Rita Rudner

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

Nora Ephron

"Summer bachelors, like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be."

Wilson Mizner

"There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless."

Frederick the Great

"A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in."

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

Billy Connolly

"There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter."

Casey Stengel

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."